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He always wanted to explain things, but no one
cared. So he drew. Sometimes he would draw and it wasn't “a”.
He wanted to carve it in stone or write it in the sky. So, he would
lie out on the grass and look up in the sky. And it would be only
him and the sky and the things inside him that needed saying.
And it was after that he drew the picture. It was a beautiful picture.
He kept it under his pillow and let no one see it. And he would
look at it every night and think about it. And when it was dark,
and his eyes were closed, he could still see it. And it was all
of him. And he loved it. When he started school he brought it with
him. Not to show to anyone but just to have it with him like a friend.
It was funny about school. He sat in a square, brown desk. It was
like all other square, brown desks. And he thought it should be
red. And his room was a square, brown room, like all the other rooms.
And it was tight and close, and stiff. He hated to hold the pencil
and chalk with his arm stiff and his feet flat on the floor; stiff,
with the teacher watching and watching. The teacher came and spoke
to him. And she said it didn't matter!
After that, they drew. And he drew all yellow and it was the way
he felt about morning. And it was beautiful. The teacher came and
smiled at him. "What's this?" she said. "Why don't
you draw something like Ken's drawing… isn't that beautiful?"
After that, his mother bought him a tie. And he always drew airplanes
and rocket ships like everyone else. And he threw the old picture
away. And when he lay alone looking at the sky, it was big and blue
and all of everything, but he wasn't anymore. He was square inside,
and brown. And his hands were stiff. And he was like everyone else.
And the things inside him that needed saying, didn't need it anymore.
It had stopped pushing, It was crushed. Stiff. Like everything else.
This was written by a high school senior, two weeks before he committed
suicide.
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